Rotterdam 2020 - the one that wasn't - Semi Final#1

It’s an odd one, right?  The first cancelled Eurovision since it started in 1956.  It’s rubbish, for sure, and I can’t really pretend that a perky Dutch lady VJing the videos from the selected artists reaches the same spot, but that’s what we are getting for the first semi-final (on YouTube only, duck you BBC!) and I will absolutely take it.  We’re lucky even. What have the football fans been getting?!  On the downside, there’s no voting  (waaaah) and I’m still not entirely sure what happens on Saturday, other than there’s a special show on called 'Eurovision: Europe Shine A Light’, but let’s romp through the songs which would have competed for our eyes and ears and highly confused brains had the Eurovision Song Contest 2020 Semi Final 1 gone ahead. 

Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, stay alert - and enjoy.

Sweden
Move by The Mamas

You'll remember The Mamas - they were the underused backing singers in John Lundvik's attempt last year.  You'll remember John Lundvik - he was the Swedish entry publicly and brutally humiliated during the 2019 vote when, instead of the 254 points he needed to win Eurovision, Europe's phone users awarded him a cool 93 and handed the win to a pretty white guy with a piano.  I’ve always thought John’s performance needed more Mama, and this bears it out - to a degree.  It's a slick and catchy pop gospel number, the entire Mamas trio can truly sing and, whilst all three Mamas look incredible, Mama on the left is looks particularly outstanding in black pants, gauze skirt and sequined waders.  It’s always good to be the first to get the thigh-highs in.

How would this have done live on the night? The Mamas are perfect backers - they sing beautifully and do excellently coordinated arms-based dance routines.  Besides, it’s Sweden. It would be literally illegal not to see this through.

Belarus

Da Vidna by Val

Brook Shields in a pearl wig with a male voguer and another guy wheeling a synth on a trolley about the place.  Not even the stolen Pet Shop Boys riff or the cocked leg slut drop from House of Terrible Hair can really save this.

How would this have done live on the night? It's upbeat, but it's booooooring, so I’d be very uncharitably hoping for the wig to skew or the trolley to upend.  (I don’t wish an unsuccessful slut drop on any living being, NOT speaking from experience.) 

Australia

Don’t Break Me by Montaigne

Montaigne must be young as she’s got those fuzzy eyebrows I’ve seen on the Made in Chelsea influencers. She’s also got lilac hair, a gauze ruff (around her NECK, you absolute gutter dweller) and red circled cheeks like a clown.  I get that it’s hard following a world class opera singer hitting all the notes on a seven foot pole but this song is too low for Teen Purple Rinse so the singing is a little strained. (It’s also got a line about not being made of plastic which I’m sure the older pop ladies will be taking personally.)

How would this have done live on the night? Well, the backing dancers were in leotards and slacks, so I’m guessing the Oz budget went on last year’s tiaras and pole harnesses; ironic given there are no travel costs in this year.  The styling was well worth it to see the fan fiction videos they made for the online recap though.  No Eurogay’s dressing up box will be complete without a flammable purple weave fresh from Ebay now. #essentialpurchases

North Macedonia

You by Vasil

Let’s put aside that the artist sounds like an intimate treatment cream, Vasil isn't offering us a live version - it's a pre-record from North Macedonia.  I was expecting a diva dirge from the opening low bass and wailing, but an unexpected Ibiza lounge beat strikes up.  The video is set in Skopje’s Queen Vic and ‘sexy’ young buck - Vasil himself perhaps? - is chased by a nubile girl fresh from Zumba via Zoom, in messy topknot and leggings. They do a sort of slow salsa dance routine involving faux strangulation, bending, some pelvic thrusts in the crab position and a two man conga.  The other drinkers look on bored, albeit one attempts a half-hearted shoulder shimmy towards the end.  It's more forgettable than terrible, but I'd like to state for the record that the little blurb Vasil films for the interval makes North Macedonia look incredible and I'm going to spend some serious time Google Streetview-ing it, for that's my best shot at tourism these days.

How would this have done live on the night? The live staging remains a mystery, but it needed less pub and more dance routine on steroids, plus basic wind, pyrotechnics and a shirt slashed to the navel at the *absolute* minimum.

Slovenia
Voda by Ana Soklic

Ana is singing a slow number in a reconstructed conservatory, cause nothing says let’s try and pizzazz the hell out of a Slovene language ballad like some greenhouse styling.  Look, there's something about the chorus I don’t dislike and Soklic's a good name.  Ana seems a delight.  Let’s leave it there, shall we?

How would this have done live on the night? Tried and tested Eurovision stock and I’m sure Ana can truly sing. On the other hand, I cannot discount that I'd earmark this as my loo break in the final.

Lithuania

On Fire by The Roop

Hey up lads, we’ve got ourselves a character!  Our lead singer has a shaved head, a tight white turtleneck, a loose black man-flare, and dance moves somewhere between Eurovision stalwarts Loreen-Euphoria and that Italian gorilla that repeatedly cocked each leg in turn.  I particularly like the moment where Mr Roop smacks his temples with fluttery fingers then side steps a while before dancing a pirate jig.  This is quite the catchy little electro ditty with unexpected magnifying-glass-ography. Well done Lithuania.

 
How would this have done live on the night? Geeky admission – I watched this entry ahead of time on the EBU YouTube channel, it was a well-honed live performance and I actually wondered what weirdness the music video might’ve brought us – yup, that’s what Eurovision fandom does to you.  But oddly – are you still with me at this point? – it was the music video they played during the official YouTube broadcast, which was just some black and white scenes of the band dancing, with some minor mirror trickery.  It had about a thousand percent less quirk than the live version and was therefore about a thousand percent less good.  Let that be a lesson to us all.

Ireland
Story of My Life by Lesley Roy

Sorry Lesley, but this is dire. You know all the good work Normal People has done to make Ireland seem so cool and brooding.  Gone in a heartbeat.

How would this have done live on the night?  My lovely, lovely, lovely horse.

Russia
Uno by Little Big

No-one wants Russia to win Eurovision, but this could well be Class of 2020's finest offering, and my ramblings won’t do it justice.  I just ask that you watch the video, marvel, and be sad-glad that Moscow was robbed.

How would this have done live on the night?  If you're reading this for an answer, it can only be because you've not watched the video, so shame on you and please do that IMMEDIATELY.  You may then return to join me in wondering which one of the seven pop geniiaie on stage they'd have had to drop for the Eurovision stage.  Cause it can't be the guy with the black lipstick, nor the fat bear in the powder blue velour, nor the glorious lady hornbags in flared PVC catsuits, nor the Come To Daddy leader-man, nor the other Moustachioed One, nor the guy on the keys who only plays one note and does the (absolutely essential) cheek pop noise.

(And please now allow your brain to be musically drilled by Skibidi – for yes, that was them too.)

Belgium

Release Me by Hooverphonic

Boring Bond ballad, sung by a Belge Princess Charlotte lookalike – but, like, an adult.  As well as a band, Belgian Chaz has been gifted a full orchestra – packed with particularly big hair, but not a female musician in sight, because women can’t play musical instruments you see.  I don’t love perpetuating the myth that Belgians aren’t interesting, but this isn’t helping the cause.

 
How would this have done live on the night?  I heard a rumour the live orchestra plus flamboyant national conductor was meant to be making a comeback - I’m obviously well pro, even if it’s to back the likes of this.

Malta

All Of My Love by Destiny

I honestly couldn’t tell if the start was the start, or a pre-roll YouTube perfume ad, what with the slo-mo shots of the sea and spoken inspirational Insta slogans.  This is a standard Maltese big lady ballad.  Two twists though – Destiny is wearing an enormous bejewelled turban and her wailing has been underlaid by catchy beatz.  And you know what?  It’s not, not catchy (it’s – whispers it – even quite good).  Alongside a catchy pop number, we get parkour in an abandoned urban setting (who knew Malta wasn’t wall to wall beach?), some underwater dancing, a cliff top flashmob, an eagle, the hair of Destiny released from the turban, more wafting - wafting by fire, wafting in rain, general wafting, flashmob wafting.  There’s also some prescient face mask styling which is a bit unsettling, but we’ll skip over that, eh?  All in all, rather good.  Or so my notes say – I can’t remember a single morsel of the tune.

How would this have done live on the night?  We must have faith in the lungs of Destiny.

Croatia
Divlji Vjetre by Damir Kedžo

Damir has the kind of close-cut crew cut it will be easy to keep in check during lockdown and the kind of subtly but definitely ripped pectorals it won't be, as we all move to existing on a diet of hula hoops and chocolate buttons.  The excessively dark and brooding lighting lifts to reveal that Damir is sporting more foundation and eyelash tint that you might have expected from low-maintenance hair. Five beautifully groomed lady singers dressed, like Damir, in shiny black suits stand in the shadows and they all emote very intensely in Serbo-Croat.

How would this have done live on the night?  It's a bit LinkedIn does Eurovision, but it's fine –there have been worse attempts than this.

Azerbaijan
Cleopatra by Efendi

If you’re not up for an Azari pop goddess outing Cleopatra as bisexual whilst having a bath in golden glitter in the middle of the desert, before catwalking over big dusty rocks in a giant globe crown, feather earrings to the nips, flesh-coloured PVC Wonderbra and granny pants combo, with a black pleather triangle to cover her modesty and a range of impractical thigh high boots, then who even are you? It’s what the real Cleo would have wanted guys.  And that's the just the opening.  We are treated to rolled Rs, demon possession, sexy dancing mummies (bandages not producers of kids), topless men in gold masks and gentle twerking by an orange car.  It's the Spice Girls 'Say You'll Be There' video meets Buffy The Vampire Slayer meets The Matrix paso doble from Strictly meets Beyonce’s Formation meets Drag Race (RuPaul) meets drag race (car scene in Grease) meets all other pop culture references of any note from the last thirty years.  It is clearly EXCELLENT.

How would this have done live on the night?  The potential here was off the SCALE.  Unimaginably high.  How we've been robbed.

Cyprus
Running by Sandro

Sandro has a little moustache. Sandro is emoting with all his might to a pop number, whilst various images are projected on to his not unmuscular physique.  Sandro is offering a perfectly inoffensive performance and song which I will both struggle to remember and be humming absent-mindedly for months to come.

How would this have done live on the night?  Without torso nudity?  *trombone sound*

Norway
Attention by Ulrikke

They’ve deployed a violin, which has served Norway well in the past, along with a cello and Angry Selma Blair dressed as an Oscar - which I believe is as yet untested by Norway’s Eurovision authorities.  It’s a minimalist ballad which... I like?  Well, sort of.  For a ballad.  Indeed I completely forgot to vote for it in an online Twitter poll, the true marker of Eurovij success.

 
How would this have done live on the night?  Textbook use of gold lamé, smoke machine and fire curtain - and we can only assume the budget would be upped for the real thing.

Israel

Feker Libi by Eden Alene

Israeli Afro-beat is an unexpected Eurovision combo, but it's not as terrible as you might ungenerously think.  The outfits are less (or maybe more?) experimental by Eurovision standards.  Think the outcome of the Great British Sewing Bee's Transformation challenge - what can our sewers make from reflector cycling jackets and some old school shirts? Well, we've got neon-yellow three-quarter length hooded mesh shirt-capes for our male backing dancers, a mis-buttoned asymmetric white belly top for Eden, a Big Bird feather boa hastily stitched to a lycra onesie for Backing Singer 1, whilst Backing Singer 2 is more conservatively dressed in a fluorescent yellow leotard and mesh skirt – so that’s the Sewing Bee offering that Esme sneers at for lack of invention.  However, BS2 does makes up for it with a tiny little percussion instrument she taps and cradles in her hand like a baby dormouse.

How would this have done live on the night?  The Eurogays would be making their best attempt at the Afro-beat dance routine, so I’m sad we’re missing such high potential for cringe during the audience shots.

Romania

Alcohol You by Roxen

Disappointingly, this is not the up-tempo Spring Break banger the title promises - it’s goth-manic pixie girl, moan-singing, in an aquarium, with neon subtitles.  At first, emphasising the lyrics seems brave for a grammatically dubious, non-native number.  One early line, for example, is “love you from the bottom of my” and the line is deliberately left unfinished, placing more emphasis on the “bottom” than the unspoken “heart”.  It’s unfortunate.  But THEN, as Roxen's bottom lingers in our memories, we kick to the chorus and we are FLOORED by a lyrical MASTERSTROKE:  

“Alcohol you when I'm drunk.”

Do you see?

“I'll "cohol" you...”

I’ll “COHOL” you…

LIKE “CALL”.

LIKE ON THE PHONE.

WHEN SHE’S STEAMING.

CAUSE OF THE ALCOHOL.

“ALCOHOL YOU WHEN I’M DRUNK!”

GEDDIT!?!??

Of course you get it.

 
It’s amazing work.

 
How would this have done live on the night?  I’ve paid tribute to the pun. I never need to hear this dirge again.

Ukraine

Go_A by Solovey

Every year there’s an entry where I just write down some notes which I offer up without any further sentence structure.  Here goes for Ukraine:  Flute interlude. Archetypal Disney villain (witchy).  No discernible tune.  Whatever the opposite of ‘soothing’ is for the timbre of her voice.  I hope the underscore in the song title is Ukrainian grammar, cause otherwise, massive eye roll.  Cool leather outfits though.  Good scarlet boob shawl.  More flute.  Shoulder shrugs and finger pointing for chorus two.  How are we only two minutes in?  SUDDEN STROBES!  LONG BIT OF GUITAR ON FIRE! 

How would this have done live on the night?  On one hand the singing is horrible, on the other, there’s an actual guitar ejaculating fire.

Italy (BIG 5 – free pass to the final)

Fai rumore by Diodato

Earnest plinky plonk monotonous piano reminds me of Imagine AKA the world’s most overrated song.  This is a bit better than Imagine and very orange.

How would this have done live on the night? Eurovision has provided us with many great piano moments, so unless he’s on a double piano, a light up piano, a circular piano, a piano on fire, a hamster wheel piano or a piano doubling up as a coffin from which a vampire rises (some of these may be invented, my memories are hazy), then pfffff.

Germany (BIG 5 – free pass to the final)

Violent Thing by Ben Dolic

I wonder how many pop stars after Justin Timberlake outright rejected this before it got to the German Eurovision selection?

How would this have done live on the night? During the YouTube reel, the performing artists somewhat narcissistically covered their own songs in a 'different' style.  To give you a sense of Ben's popstar charisma, I honestly thought a rando member of the German public had been allowed to step in.  

Netherlands (Host - free pass to the final)

Joy by Jeangu Mcrooy

Nondescript and earnest, which worked for them last year.

How would this have done live on the night? Nondescript and earnest, which worked for them last year.

And we are DONE.

Here are the results of the Catherine Jury.

Many thanks to Eurovision stalwart @ellie_made for creating an online voting machine. (No, she is not me, in spite of our circles of interest.)  Click for a higher res version to see how I voted - sorry Norway, I should have stuck you in the deux points slot, but turns out a questionable pun is more memorable, and therefore more effective, than a great singing performance.

That's it for now - stay alert til Thursday.  And if you're bored of singing Happy Birthday twice, please do work out a 20 second snippet from your Eurovision favourite here.