And once again,
here we are. We begin with a moment of
victory, as one Eurofan’s toddler falls asleep at 19.54, giving ample time for
a pre-show wee, basic snack grab and the standard
I-just-got-my-toddler-to-sleep-before-the-show mum dance (silent fist pumps and
pelvic thrusts at the top of the stairs).
But it was an ill-fated celebration, because said toddler woke again at
20.08 (cue the standard nooooooo-goooooo-tooooooo-sleeeeeeeep dance of
dejection and fury). Still, hooray for
Bluetooth headphones, the iPlayer app and a casual approach to parenting:
“there there dear, mummy’s just looking at very important but boring grown up
information on her phone whilst she pats your back and you go to sleep.”
There was some
buffering of course, but I think I got the main points; Ukraine are celebrating
diversity by having three white men present the show, one of whom seems to be
called Vulva, and all of whom promise us semis.
We are RIGHT ON TRACK, people.
We are also treated
to an opening number from Grant and Phil Mitchell's Ukrainian cousin, Monatik, sporting a beanie that shrunk in the wash and
a fabulous electric blue and white pattered peignoir. Don't let the chunky demeanour fool you,
Monatik Mitchell is quite a sprightly mover.
A quick show-off from Vulva that his French is very good, and we can finally get to the 'good' stuff: so let’s get some mother pukking
acts on.
Sweden
It's well known that both 'Swedish popstars' and 'men on treadmills' score astronomically high on the
arrogance scale, so you’d be right to assume Robin Bengt, a Swedish popstar
who performs his routine on a treadmill, with a bunch of male treadmill buddies, is off the chart for smugness. How does treadmillography work you may wonder? Think walking on the spot whilst making shadow animals with the hands and repeatedly unbuttoning and rebuttoning a suit jacket (smugly). The greatest disappointment, of course, was that none of them fell off their treadmill.
Did they make it?
Yes - immortality as a You've Been Framed treadmill faller can still beckon.
Are we surprised? Confident Swedish man
sings catchy pop ditty? Eurovision catnip.
Georgia
Smoke machine, howling, multiple key changes, skeletal lady in
red cape and evening wear... All the Eurovision hallmarks - if this were the seventies. Not sure which was more disappointing; the
song itself or discovering that the only highlight - a bejewelled red and chiffon
flared jumpsuit - was actually a pouffy ballgown.
Did they make it?
No.
Are we surprised? Shoulda gone jumpsuit.
Australia
G'day 17 year old man-child, whose beauty therapist was determined to
have her eyebrow-threading work noticed on the international stage. Look, the song was fine, but we’ve come to expect
far more from our Aussie mates. If
you’re just going to phone it in, Oz, then why even bother? Is this your way of getting Europe to dump
you first? We get it. You've changed, it’s not you it’s
us, etc etc. You're not alone, guys - Ireland have been trying to get out for
years. And what do you think Brexit was
really about? Oh yes, that’s right: NHS lies and xenophobia. My bad.
Did they make it?
Yep. At least he’ll get another chance to attempt the falsetto
riff he clearly can’t do, even with a tighter trouser.
Are we surprised? Not given the competition.
Albania
Welcome Lindita – dressed
as a bride with an entirely see-through skirt and only the merest hint of
silver corset to cover her Tirana. I don't wish to be unkind, but there’s something utterly terrifying about Lindita - if you saw her coming up the aisle, you’d immediately scream
“ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE” and use the older family members in the front pew for a leg
up to get the hell out of there.
Did they make it?
They did not.
Are we surprised? We are not.
Belgium
The usual gushing
charisma we’ve come to expect of Belgium, a country so boring all their Euro
coins just have the profile of their fat king on them (Finland have wild swans,
FFS. Italy have a naked man!). Belgian singer
Blanche is that awkward teen who’s been forced into a prom dress “for such a
special occasion, darling” but has conceded she’ll only do it “if it's black
because I HATE YOU MUM” and “don't think I intend to wash or brush my hair because I HATE YOU
MUM”. It’s a shame really, as she’d have
looked way better in an indie t-shirt and some jeans, or whatever the anti-Kardashian out-crowd
wear these days.
Did they make it? You what?!? She did!
Are we surprised? A little – not a terrible alt pop song really, but pitched too low
live. And did I mention the hair?
Montenegro
Pay attention, guys. It's Slavko time! Please don’t be distracted by this Eurogay’s chiffon top and purple
skirt, torn off to reveal peacock bejewelled spangly trousers - and that’s before
we even come to his metre long plait (not a euphemism) which
he whips and swings to gay abandon. Nor should we get
too focused on the slightly tired disco dancing, like he’d spent all his energy clubbing in the early hours, downing blue WKDs and 'meeting' his fans (surely not when there’s a show to rest for). No, no, the true beauty of this number is the
poetry of the lyrics. Who has 'ere
written of love so touchingly? Hush, listen, just let me quote:
Wet dreams, wild
nightmares, I surrender
Come into me from within
We can be as one in the sin
Be my Bonnie, we’ll mix and match with Clyde
I know. It just…. I
know.
Did they make it?
EUROPE HAS BEEN DENIED.
Are we surprised? APPALLED MORE LIKE IT.
Finland
Inoffensive and
perfectly well sung (whaa!) country-style ballady thing, performed by
blonde lady standing stock still whilst her man-friend plays a piano on
fire. It was all a bit non – even the
piano smoke was just a few wisps eking out of the grand’s lid rather than the
full on bonfire we’ve come to expect as standard. It's a long way since
Hard Rock Hallelujah. The Finnish HSE must have quite the influence.
Did they make it?
Nope.
Are we surprised? Nope.
Azerbaijan
Think a Beautiful
Mind meets Test Card F, if the little girl playing noughts and crosses with
that demonic clown doll was an Azeri emo-ette with black lippy and boot polish
smeared in her hair, and the demonic clown doll was a grown man on a stepladder inexplicably
wearing a horse’s head. Because OF
COURSE. It’s experimental Brechtian Am Dram at its worst, only in a Eurovision musical number, so completely
amazing. (Sort of.)
Did they make it?
Yes.
Are we surprised? Shouldn't have been - the power of the gimmick. Props for the props.
Portugal
Perennial losers
Portugal – 49 entries, 0 wins. It’s
because they always insist on a solitary singer wailing on in Portuguese,
whilst the rest of Europe has gone all flash, bang, wallop, check out my
treadmill / horse head / bridal wear / Australianness. But this year, all that could change – turns
out the low key approach works when the solitary singer boring on in
Portuguese is a large chinned, gangly chap with messy hair don’t care and a
mime artist vibe. Don’t get me
wrong, it was fairly boring – but coming after chalk’n’horse, it seemed naively
charming.
Did they make it?
Yes.
Are we surprised? Yes, in a way – but going
against the tide can work sometimes.
Greece
Thank Gawd for
Greece in Eurovision – I was starting to feel snoozesome, and then the beatz getz droppedz.
Her: a young popstrel
in sequinned pants under Angelina Jolie leg dress.
Him: two backing dancers in white Bermuda
tights, homo-erotically playing/dancing in a paddling pool.
Never change, Greece, never change...
Did they make it?
Thankfully.
Are we surprised? Greek gal and her legs sing high
NRG pop anthem? Eurovision catnip.
Poland
Polish lady with
pipes (and 'pipes'), in little more
than a Wonderbra made of bandages. The
wind machine is set to gale force and the violinist is set to 'bit too old and
ugly to be allowed in the foreground'.
Not my bag, but she really could sing.
Did they make it?
Yes.
Are we surprised? A
Polish woman’s boobs and any old tat of a song?
Eurovision catnip.
Moldova
Hey Montenegro, you
know you thought a metre-long hair accessory and a reference to semen was the
hook Europe would gun for? Well, that
was before Europe got introduced to three backing singers dressed in floppy
hats, puff-ball skirts that transform into wedding dresses, and microphone holders made of plastic bouquets. Oh and an old guy
playing a sax and doing the running man with an infectious joie de vivre. It’s all a bit noughties vintage, but in a
not-at-all-depressing-that-the-noughties-were-that-long-ago kind of way.
Did they make it?
YES!
Are we surprised? Happily stunned, if I’m honest.
Iceland
If Mattel did a pop star line, this is how they'd design Bjork Barbie - a
hint of Icelandic musical kook, but packaged in a skinny blonde with apple cheek
bones and drawn on facial expressions botoxed to submission. The gravity-defying Barbie breasts were there too, pneumatically hoiked to rival Poland,
encased in a white PVC catsuit and adorned with a 'here's where my third boob
would go' tattoo.
Did they make it?
No.
Are we surprised? Unlike
Europe, I liked this Scandilectro number. *sad face*
Czech Republic
Haiiii peach-tinged
gold lamé kimono tracksuit, slit to the navel with five tassel strands! Now take that image, and tell me what song
style that conjures up? Did you go for
slow, emotive, indie-tinged, string and tambourine-backed mild pop? Then, correct!
Did they make it?
No.
Are we surprised? Not even slightly.
Cyprus
It’s not often that
contemporary dance involves literal moves - I particularly enjoyed how they took turns to lean on each other, whilst singing about, yes, leaning, obviously. Other moments of choreographic genius include a human centipede
style line-up, where they all hold on to the one in front's ankles, and a recreation
of that Trust Game where you close your eyes, fall back, and hope to Goddess Conchita
you’ll not be dropped by a backing dancer too busy making eyes at a crowd full
of Eurogays.
Did they make it?
Yup. And hooray that both Greece and Cyprus will
be present to exchange the customary douze points.
Are we surprised? Nah.
Armenia
Main influences: Bollywood,
Goths, instructional YouTube videos about hair plaiting, smoke machines, and
that sliver jewellery stall in Camden Market which hasn’t changed its merchandise
since the 1990s.
Did they make it?
Yes.
Are we surprised? Hugely.
Solvenia
Disney would reject this as way too cheesy/saccharine. There’s a moment
where shiny suited singer Omar pouts and beckons at the camera. I was sick in my mouth.
Did they make it?
No.
Are we surprised? Just glad I don’t have to relive
that beckoning moment ever again.
Latvia
Last one! You thought it was safe to relax, then Latvia
appear dressed as a Supermarket Sweep dash though the poundshop, manically buying
anything which reminds them of Katy Perry channelling noughties Gwen Stefani. It’s all hair bunches, neon and cheap-ass silver
lady-waders. Please don’t make me
describe the music.
Did they make it?
No.
Are we surprised? Helloooo?
And there we have
it. I’m exhausted. But we’re not done
yet, you fools! There follows the ever
unbearable attempts from the local hosts to interview the Big Five - highlights
include asking Spain “What sort of things have you done for your lovers?” and
Italy taking the chance to talk about Desmond Morris; the Italian pronunciation of “naked
apes” and “famous entomologist” are my new ringtone. (Get booking for Rome 2018 guys.)
Also, Jamala sings
the entirely apolitical jolly song about Crimean deportation she won with last
year, then performs her new single dressed in a tepee with primary coloured
fringing (apols for insulting national dress, as I have surely just done, but dudes...). She spends most of the song vigorously shaking the tassels and it should be ridiculous (and is obvz), but she’s somehow cool enough to get
away with it.
I think it's safe to say it now - we're done, peeps! Yaaaaaay!!!!
So, to recap,
on to the final go:
Sweden (Smug at
gym)
Oz (Brows)
Belgium (don’t make
me brush my hair MUM)
Azerbaijan (Blackboard)
Portugal (Gangly chin)
Greece (water
troughs)
Poland (boob
bandage)
Moldova (saxy brides)
Cyprus (literal dance)
Armenia (silver and lady plaits)
Ready to do it all
again Thursday? There’s to be yodelling.
Oh yes.
See you then.
No comments:
Post a Comment